I haven’t been myself lately, I can tell the difference now, I call that progress. I don’t know why it happens or sometimes what triggers it but there are times when I can’t stand people, everything they do and everything I do is bullshit, a waste of everyone’s time. I know it’s a terrible mindset to be in but, fuck it, I need to be here for reasons that aren’t clear to me now. If it doesn’t happen to you, you aren’t listening or are convinced of your own saintly existence, which I will repeat, is bullshit. A fabrication of the lie we tell ourselves that we are inherently good by nature, that without effort or time we are just in our actions and affirming in our thoughts that we are good, that we mean well. Bullshit. We are competitive, resource gathering and time-consuming animals that seek audience with others and no visible boundaries in which we will go to get it. Watch any child with a distracted parent and you will see that we all still act like this from time to time, maybe not with the yelling and screaming of a toddler but the actions we display are seeking the same result, look at me, hear me, connect with me. Its fucking exhausting. Fuck off. Kindly.
Maybe that’s the point of all of this? This life we think is the peak of human progress. To remove our ability to feel what’s happening in and around us. While we are constantly stimulated and distracted with things that have no bearing on any of our daily lives or interactions within this life. We become numb to our own existence, complacent in the idea that we can focus on others’ lives and the things they do, the things they buy, the places they want to go, where they live, etc. etc. We lose who we are for who we think our children will be. Losing them in the process. The game is rigged, we all get fucked.
I am comfortable with the idea that it is human nature to dislike other humans, we do things that are worth the effort to hate. I am not talking the obvious and extreme circumstances of war, rape, murder, etc. but the more subtle interactions. The fuckery that is common in almost every interaction you have with the people that happen to bump into our orbit. It’s all a show, it’s all pageantry. Every man a king and woman a queen in the kingdom of 1. Dancing and singing like that of a court jester to get the laughs and praise from the other misguided fools that seek the validation of those that are oblivious to the world in which they live, wanting to be heard, wanting to be seen within the confines in which they allow others to experience their reality, setting boundaries and limits within their own interactions with those they call friends, family or peers. What are we hiding from? How have we become so detached? I don’t like it here. I don’t want to be here. I know the things that will take me from here but have lost the will to do them. I have the ability to change this at any time but sit here instead, waiting for a moment of reprieve of the things that drive me back into this space, its as if God wants me to be here, that there is something here I must find, it doesn’t want me to experience the world that is all around me. It consumes me, the Light has been dimmed or removed completely day after day, the outcomes remain the same. WAKE, WRITE, TRAIN, WORK.
What the fuck am I talking about?
Why does this happen? I have a life that I could have only dreamt of not long ago. I have 4 sons, 2 of which are young men now experiencing the fast approaching the reality that will be their lives. I have passions and hobbies I get to participate in freely, I have an occupation that gives me satisfaction in the work that must be done, the exploration of things that I do not know and a realization of my shortcomings. I have been wondering if this is grief, if this is the beginning of understanding that life has been working all around me and I had been oblivious to it. Now with time, it grows, it becomes almost inescapable. This place is no fun, I want to be back in the Light.
currently scratching
